Transforming Values into Coping Skills: A Strategy for Navigating Loss
Transforming Values into Coping Skills: A Strategy for Navigating Loss - Written by Gina Baretta
Navigating grief and loss can be one of the most grueling and challenging experiences a human can endure. When experiencing grief, it is often suggested that we should use coping skills to help us work through our pain. As there are many different coping skills, it is important to know that not one size fits all. The coping skills we utilize can be as unique to us as our grief is. I want to share with you a powerful tool that can help you discover what coping skills may align with who you are and may be the best fit to supporting yourself on your grief journey. Values.
What are values and why are they important?
Dr. Russ Harris is an internationally acclaimed Acceptance and Commitment Therapy trainer and author of The Happiness Trap. Russ highlights the importance of values and suggests that when we are engaging in actions that align with our values, we can live a meaningful and purposeful life. He also shares that “values are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being on an ongoing basis; how you want to treat yourself, others, the world around you”. So if our values help guide our behavior and enhance our life, could values also support us through the most difficult parts of our life such as grief and loss?
To help navigate this concept, I thought I would share some personal examples of values that are important to me and actions that align with them.
For myself, I value social connection, adventure, travel, and rest. Social connection for me can include game nights, attending sporting events, camping, or lunch visits. My adventurous side enjoys trying new foods, cooking a new recipe, learning, or trying a new activity. I also have a travel bug, especially to learn about cultural differences and gain new perspectives on other parts of the world. Some of my actions that fulfill this value include immersing myself into other cultures, reading literature around travel/culture, and trying different foods. Finally rest, something that I value but also something that can be challenging to put into practice. I must make a conscious effort to slow down, breathe, or meditate.
These values and actions have been foundational in bringing joy and happiness into my life and have also been foundational in the darkest parts of my life. My values lead me towards coping skills that align with who I am and support me on my unique journey.
Transforming your Values into Coping Skills
The first step in discovering coping skills that align with who you are is to identify your values. Below you will find a list of some values but not limited to. I invite you to discover what values are the most important to you? If not on the list, what other values are most important to you?
Values List (Russ Harris, 2010)
Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself
Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment etc
Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve
Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering
Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
Creativity: to be creative or innovative
Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice-versa
Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and wellbeing
Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities
Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others
Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life
Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated
Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties.
Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others
Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard
Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love or strong affection
Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others
Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions
Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met
Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience.
Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself or others
Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable
The second step is to explore behaviors, actions, or coping skills that can align with your values. For example, deep breathing, listening to music and drinking a warm beverage all align with my value of rest. Remember there is no right or wrong towards which coping skill aligns with your value. It’s all individual and what resonates with you.
As you read through the list below, you can ask yourself: What coping skills resonate with my values?
- Deep breathing
- Puzzle
- Paint
- Draw
- Listen to Music
- Clean/organize your space
- Watch a movie
- Relaxation Exercises
- Self Compassion
- Affirmations
- Exercise: yoga, cycling, weight lifting, etc.
- Drink a warm beverage
- Walking
- Gratitude journal
- Bath
- Volunteer
- Cook
- Bake
- Call a friend
- Walk your dog
- Play with your children
- Fidget toys
- Journal
- Take breaks
- Play a sport
- Read
- Spend time in nature
- Get organized
Overall, there are several different values and coping skills. Some will be effective for us while others may feel like a task if they do not resonate with our values and who we are. If you are navigating grief, I invite you to discover what are some of your values. What is most meaningful for you? What is important to you? How can you transform your values into tangible coping skills? This idea can be a powerful resource for supporting yourself on your grief journey.
Reference: https://www.actmindfully.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/Values_Checklist_-_Russ_Harris.pdf
Blog Written by Gina Baretta
Gina Baretta is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, EMDR Clinician, and the Director of People and Culture on our team.
Gina is committed to supporting others as they move forward through difficult, sad, and distressing times in their lives. She has supported individuals through many experiences including death of a loved one, pet loss, job loss, loss of identity, and loss of trust. Her specialty includes supporting individuals living with chronic pain, chronic illness, self esteem and self worth, and relationship loss. In her therapeutic style she integrates several interventions to ensure she is meeting the unique needs of each individual. Having the opportunity to join people on their healing path has become a deep privilege of hers. She looks forward to continuing to support people in our community.
To learn more about Gina or to book a session with her, click here.