Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Meaningful Ways to Honour Your Loss
In recognition of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt led to dedicate this month’s blog to the many babies who have died in pregnancy or infancy and their bereaved mothers, fathers, and siblings who have suffered profound grief as a result. I am one in four mothers who have lost a baby in pregnancy as my own son, Xavier was stillborn on April 4, 2014.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and more specifically, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Parents, siblings, friends, and neighbours all over the world light a candle at 7:00 p.m. and keep it burning for at least an hour. Because of different time zones, the result is a “wave of light” throughout many nations.
This month is a dedicated time for our society to focus our attention upon the needs of bereaved families and creates a deeper awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. Sadly, many bereaved families experience stigma, blame, shame, and guilt after the loss of their babies and are made to feel as though they should remain silent about their grief which only adds to their suffering. Speaking as a bereaved mother, I can attest that pregnancy loss takes a tremendous toll upon women. Many women who experience the loss of a baby will then suffer with mental health issues that can last for months and event years after the loss.
There is often an outpouring of support immediately after the loss of a baby, but eventually the sympathy cards stop being mailed, phone calls cease, flower deliveries are halted, and casseroles are no longer being dropped off on our steps. This leaves bereaved parents feeling isolated and lonely. I recall seeing friends, family, and even strangers seemingly go on with their lives after Xavier died and felt pressure from those around me to move on with my own life. However, at that time I felt that I couldn’t move on as my life had been ruptured and consequently changed forever.
Furthermore, some people have thought that my loss is insignificant and have tried to dismiss my pain, but this loss has literally changed how I handle everything and how I see the world around me. I have always struggled with perfectionism but have learned to let the little things go and focus more on the fact that I have the privilege of taking another breath. I have learned to be thankful for this as Xavier never got to breathe one single breath on this side of Heaven. This is what makes this grief so unique as bereaved parents do not grieve the past, but the loss of our hopes and dreams for the future with our children. However, Xavier continues to live on in my heart and I try to honour him by living a life which I believe would make my son proud of me.
As someone somewhat seasoned in my grief, I can tell you that my family and I have found hope and healing through remembering and honouring Xavier’s short time with us.
Throughout the remainder of this blog, I want to share with practical ways to honour your baby that I have a personally found helpful. Please know that these lists are not exhaustive and that there are no “rights” or “wrongs” in how you choose to honour your baby. I trust that you will find what feels right for you and what will work for you and your family.
Hold a memorial service or gathering and celebrate / honour significant dates
After losing Xavier, we held a private family memorial service with our pastor and hospital chaplain at the columbarium and then released a dove at the end of the morning. That afternoon we held a teddy bear picnic in our backyard and collected teddy bears in a crib to donate to our local hospitals. We chose to do this as we received a teddy bear from our hospital chaplain as a memento to represent the life of Xavier. While the teddy bear obviously doesn’t replace our very wanted and loved baby, it has certainly helped to fill our empty arms and continues to be special to us. Since then, we have collected teddy bears for this cause every April. If you feel inclined to donate a new teddy bear to our local hospitals, I encourage you to reach out to our local Bereavement Coordinator, Patti Walker at patti.walker@ahs.ca or at (780) 735 - 4506.
We have also visited Xavier’s niche and released balloons during the month of April.
It has also become a tradition for our family to visit the Highlevel Bridge in Edmonton each October 15th as it is lit up with pink, blue, and white lights for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day as part of the City of Edmonton’s Light the Bridge program.
Hold on to keepsakes
I recall when the firefighters came to pick me up from my home the day Xavier died, I saw my camera sitting on my kitchen counter. I asked one of the firefighters to retrieve it for me as I knew in my heart that I would be delivering my baby that day, though I certainly didn’t want to, knowing what the outcome would be. Photos have always been important to me, and I knew that these would be the only photos I would have of my child.
It may also be helpful to frame a photo and keep it in a special place in your home.
Create a keepsake
I know that not everyone can take photos of their babies, but I have found taking photos of significant things that remind me of Xavier are also so special. For example, every year we write Xavier’s name and the year on the beach and take a photo beside it and say a few words to him.
It may also be helpful to create a memory box to place items from the hospital or cards, etc. that are given as gifts in this box.
Wear a reminder of your baby
After losing Xavier, I had a vision of a silver X necklace. My husband and I searched every jewellery store in the West Edmonton Mall and the last store we checked had the exact necklace I envisioned. I still wear it to this day. My husband wears a ring with 2 little white diamonds that form an X as it represents both Xavier’s and his birthstones.
Help other parents
In addition to my work as a counsellor with The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, I also volunteer for and attend memorial events that take place in Edmonton and area including:
1. Annual May Memorial – Remembering Our Losses
3. Annual Candlelight Memorial Service
4. Annual Parent Care Candlelight Service
Get friends involved
If you know me personally or professionally, you know that every year I ask that you please light a candle on October 15th and many of you have been so kind as to send me photos of your lit candles, which has meant so much to my family.
I also started something called the Random Acts of Kindness (RAK) stocking each Christmas. This has become the highlight of our Christmas. I ask friends and family to share a story of a random act of kindness that they did in the month of December and to email me the story. We print them, fold them, and place them in a little red stocking with Xavier’s name on it.
Start a foundation or a fundraiser
I haven’t started a foundation but have organized a fundraiser for Mercy Ships cleft lip or palate repair as we discovered that Xavier had a cleft lip.
Create art / crafts
I used to attend a monthly group with Angel Whispers called Healing Hands, which allows bereaved parents to grieve through a creative outlet and convert their grief into mourning by engaging in expressive arts in the context of community. I continue to attend their Christmas workshop as a family.
Another form of art, I have enjoyed participating in is a Christmas ornament exchange. I have absolutely loved being able to create a special ornament for another bereaved family and have been blessed with many ornaments myself over the years.
As my son was quite young when Xavier died, we found it helpful for him to participate in expressive arts grief therapy through the “Coloured Tears” summer day camp at the Pilgrim’s Hospice in Edmonton.
Create music or make a playlist
I am not a musician, but my husband and I have listened to Ed Sheeran’s “Small Bump” song many times over the years and he has played his guitar and sang it at Xavier’s memorial service and at baby loss support group meetings.
Move your body
Our grief often manifests itself physically in our bodies. My heart has literally ached and I have found myself unbearably exhausted in grief. I have found it helpful to honour Xavier and myself by moving my body. Yoga has been transformative for me in my healing journey. We are fortunate to have a yoga program specifically for grief in Edmonton.
Plant a tree
At the time of Xavier’s passing, my husband and I were both very involved in our local community garden and we decided to plant an apple tree in the middle of the garden. Every summer, locals can enjoy some of Xavier’s apples and this delights me. You are welcome to have one yourself if you’re in the area during the summer months.
Dedicate a bench
We chose to dedicate a bench in honour of Xavier that is located at Government House Park through the City of Edmonton’s Benchmark Program. We typically visit there on Canada Day and watch the fireworks while sitting on his bench.
Donate a book / Write in memory of baby
I enjoy reading and have found reading books pertaining to grief and loss to be very therapeutic. In many ways, books have been a “therapist in my backpack” when I needed help the most.
There are several books that have helped me to heal throughout my grief journey, but probably the most notable one would be “The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith” by John W. James and Russell Friedman. I have donated this book to a church library, a funeral home, and baby loss support groups and strongly recommend reading it.
Though difficult, I have also found it helpful to write my own story of grief and loss. If any of you are interested in reading more about my own story, you can find it in a book I co-authored entitled, “Superwoman Myths: Break the Rules of Silence and Speak Up Your Truth” compiled by Kristy-Lea Tritz, authoring Chapter 26: “These Three Remain: Life After Losing Xavier”.
I have also been featured in the documentary film entitled “Expecting Sunshine: A Documentary about Pregnancy After Loss” created by Alexis Marie Chute.
Seek support from local organizations:
I’m incredibly thankful for the support I have received from local baby loss support groups in Edmonton and area and count myself blessed to have had the support I have received from the following programs:
2. Helping Empty Arms Recover Through Sharing (H.E.A.R.T.S.)
4. Parent Care
I was so fortunate to participate in The Grief Recovery Method’s Grief Support Group where I attained the tools that I desperately needed for the profound grief I had experienced after losing Xavier. Participating in this group propelled me to take the Grief Recovery Method Certification Training with our Founder and Executive Director, Ashley Mielke in 2015 to become certified and help other bereaved parents in my community.
Should you need heart-centred counselling, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or our team at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre at info@healmyheart.ca or (780) 288 -8011.
In Love and Service,
Rebecca Thompson
Blog Written by Rebecca Thompson
Rebecca is a Canadian Certified Counsellor, Certified Professional Counsellor, and Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®. Rebecca has been a Counsellor for over 15 years and has had the deep privilege to counsel many children, youth and their families who have experienced many losses as a result of death, pet loss, pregnancy loss, substance dependence and mental health issues, parental separation and divorce, estrangement, and loss of hopes and dreams.
As a Counsellor, she believes that she has been called to come alongside those who are suffering and help them to exchange their suffering for authentic hope and healing. Her deepest desire for you is that your story will not only be heard, but truly honoured in your time together. She counsels from a client centred, grief- and trauma-informed, strengths based approach, using motivational interviewing, solution focused therapy, and narrative therapy modalities.
To learn more about Rebecca or to book a session with her, click here.