Is There a Right Way to Grieve During the Holidays?
All through neighbourhoods and around the city, Christmas lights and decorations are beginning to spring up. Soon we will be flooded with the busyness of the holiday season with shopping centres bustling with hurried and excited faces trying to get preparations done in time for the holiday celebrations. ‘Tis the season to be merry and bright!
The holiday season can look different for everyone. As you look at your calendar for the coming weeks, it may or may not fill you with a sense of overwhelm. We can be whipped into a frenzy and whirlwind of different activities with so many things to schedule and so many expectations to manage and fulfil- For some, it could mean more church services, family gatherings, Christmas parties, trips, etc. Yet for others, the holiday season may be a trigger and a painful reminder of what has been lost. What is meant to be a time of jubilant celebration can amplify our pain and sense of sorrow and make our losses even more difficult to bear. Add to that, the cultural or societal expectations to fit into the mood of jubilation and we only create additional strain on our hearts and minds.
The world is experiencing a lot of grief as communities around the world try to adjust to harrowing times- the struggle to recover from the aftermath of the pandemic which claimed thousands of lives, war casualties (which have resulted in thousands of people being displaced) and violence which have left communities heart broken and shattered. These will certainly have an impact in the way some people experience the holiday. People may be left in utter bewilderment about how to act or be this holiday season. There may be a lack of natural leaning toward jubilation and questioning how to get through the holidays… or at other times, feelings of guilt because of the ability to find moments of joy amidst pain. We know from the Grief Recovery Institute that grief is the conflicting feelings caused by a change or loss of any kind, hence all the feelings you are experiencing are all part of your grief and are unique to you.
Why should you acknowledge your grief
Acknowledging emotions spurs healing. As Dr. Edith Eger notes in her book: The Gift “As long as you are avoiding your feelings, you are denying reality, so invite the feeling in, sit with it, keep it company, feel it and then release it”. Allowing yourself to feel whatever feelings arise creates space for healing to begin. Remember that you cannot heal what you cannot feel. As a kid, I sustained a broken arm from a fall. I wouldn’t let my parents examine my arm and I pretended to be okay because it was just easier to avoid the pain. After some time, I started to lose function in that arm, so my parents took me to an orthopedic surgeon to get my arm straightened. It was one of the worst pains I had to endure as a child. Although it hurt really bad, it was what needed to be done to give way for my arm to begin to heal. With each trip to the doctor, the pain felt less and less intense and I started to regain function in my arm again. Our grief can be thought of in the same way. We need to go through the pain to evolve and heal. Each time we give ourselves permission to feel our emotions we are evolving but when we deny them, we run the risk of revolving around unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. While the former action moves us towards healing, the latter moves us further from it.
With so much grief circulating within our communities and around the world, it is important to remember that perception isn’t reality and endeavour to hold space for people who need it as well as check in on them. Just because people may appear fine does not mean that burdens carried aren’t heavy.
If this holiday season is a time of grief and hurt for you, know that you are not alone. Peace and comfort are still possible this season by doing what feels right for you. The holidays can be a challenging time hence I want to validate that there is no single answer to what one should or shouldn’t do or how one should or shouldn’t respond. You don’t have to go with the crowd to find ways into the simple joys of the season.
Be honest about your needs: Do not let anyone tell you how to feel and do not tell yourself how to feel. Rather pay attention to what you need at any given moment and be as honest as possible with yourself about it. It could be that you need to feel and express your emotions and/or talk about your experiences or you need to take a break from grief and do something you enjoy. So long as you are being honest with yourself, whatever your need is, it is valid!
Permit yourself to follow through with your needs the best you can. If you need to express your feelings or experiences, surround yourself with people that can hold space for you or that you can engage in honest and open conversations with, about how you truly feel without trying to fix or rush your grief. Recognize that not everyone will be able to offer this. However, just as everyone is entitled to their reaction or responses, so are you! If certain contacts make it difficult or awkward for you to meet your needs at any given moment, then you can limit contact with them. You might also consider joining a support group that is open to your expression of grief. Research shows that appraisal support (that is a sense of connection with others) are considered supportive actions in grief that moves us forward.
By the same token, allow yourself to engage in pleasurable activities without feeling guilty if that is what you truly need. The grief recovery method helped me understand that our responses to grief is always 100% of what we are feeling in each given moment – there are no half-grievers, so although you are grieving you are also allowed to experience joy.
References
Cacciatore, J., Thieleman, K., Fretts, R., & Jackson, L. B. (2021). What is good grief
support? Exploring the actors and actions in social support after traumatic grief. PLoS ONE, 16(5), 1–17. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0252324
Hart, A. E. (2020). JLAP: Grief is more than just the “holiday blues.” Indiana
Lawyer, 31(21), 5A–18A.
Blog Written by Ada Dim
Ada is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR Clinician. She is working under the supervision of our Clinical Director, Margot Crane.
Ada completed her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology at Mount Allison University and her Master of Counselling degree at Athabasca University.
Ada experienced the devastating loss of both of her parents at vulnerable stages in her life and through her healing journey, developed a deep appreciation for those who have experienced loss. She strives to provide the necessary support and guidance to others as they journey towards healing and recovery after loss.
To learn more about Ada click here.