Boundaries - What Are They and Why Do We Need Them?

As a therapist, I often see the detrimental effects of over giving, people pleasing and lack of boundaries on client well being. Porous and limited boundaries come with a huge emotional, physical, mental and spiritual costs, as well as a loss of self in the process.

As a human, I too have struggled to navigate healthy boundaries. I have said yes to social engagements in an attempt to be liked, stayed late at work without compensation and tended to others needs before my own. This resulted in me feeling exhausted and frustrated, letting my own self care fall to the wayside. 

Signs you need boundaries (Glover Tawwab, 2021):

  • You feel overwhelmed and burned out

  • You feel resentful toward other people and may avoid or dread interactions with others

  • You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return

  • You have no time for yourself

What are boundaries anyway? 

  • They define where you end and where other people begin

  • They are a safeguard to overextending yourself

  • They are a way to create healthy relationships

  • They define roles in relationships, acceptable and unacceptable behaviors

  • They honor your values, autonomy, your self-respect, and your self-worth

  • They are a way to create clarity and feel safe

As Mark Groves describes, “walls keep everyone out. Boundaries teach them where the door is.” 

Prior to intentionally working on setting boundaries, I stomped around, pouted, expressed exasperated sighs with frustration and resentment while hoping others would guess my dissatisfaction and my needs. It didn’t work! 

What I have learned (and continue to learn) that it is my responsibility to set boundaries. That we have to say them out loud – no one can read our minds or hear when we mutter under our breath. “Boundaries are the limits that you set for yourself. They aren't about changing others. Boundaries require changing yourself” (https://www.counselingrecovery.com, 2022). 

Examples of boundaries:

  • I need time to think about it – I’ll get back to you.

  • Thank you for the offer, maybe another time.

  • My body (or eating habits) is not up for discussion.

  • I am not comfortable with lending money. Please do not ask me again.

  • No.

Setting boundaries may sound simple but may not be easy. Our workplaces, family and friends are used to a certain type of behavior from us. When we change that pattern and set different boundaries, rocking the proverbial boat, those around us may resist. Another persons’ anger or frustration is not yours to own. Your feelings and boundaries are valid – you don’t have to go at it alone. Support from a therapist may be beneficial as you journey into unchartered waters.

Resources 

Everything You Need to Know About Boundaries - Counseling Recovery, https://www.counselingrecovery.com/blog-san-jose/everything-you-need-to-know-about-boundaries. 

Setting Boundaries to Live Your Ideal Life, https://www.majesticcoachinggroup.com/setting-boundaries. 

Signs that you need boundaries: Understanding Boundaries You avoid ..., https://humantold.com/resources/understanding-boundaries/. 

Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. 

Blog Written by Margot Crane

Margot Crane is a Registered Psychologist, Registered Social Worker, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® and EMDR Clinician. Margot is also the Director of Adult Clinical Services at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre.

Margot provides a safe, non-judgmental, and compassionate therapeutic space for youth, adults and parents/caregivers. Her approach is flexible and collaborative with foundations in Eye Movement and Desensitization (EMDR), Somatic and Body Based Approaches, Grief Recovery Method, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Ego States, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Motivational Interviewing and mindfulness.  In 2019, Margot completed a 200-hour Akhanda Yoga teacher training.

Margot has a specialty in working with concurrent disorders, individuals with a mental health concern and substance use struggles at the same time. Often, unresolved grief and trauma contribute to this cycle; healing is necessary for recovery. She has supported people though a variety of lived experiences including relationship and job loss, childhood trauma and family of origin issues, identity exploration, parent-child relationship struggles, step-family integration, and residential school trauma.

Margot is inspired by the resiliency and inherent capacity for individuals to heal and would feel honoured to support you on your journey.

To learn more about Margot or to work with her click here.

Ashley Mielke