Perfectionism: Written by Jourdan Tymkow

The holidays are over, a new year has begun. While the holiday season can be a much-needed period of downtime, for others December is a time of busy to-do lists, planning, and caretaking, and the bring of the new year comes with more to-dos and expectations. “New year's resolutions” are often a theme of this month, and while it can be a motivating or inspiring time to change habits or set new goals, there can also be standards set impossibly high. This is especially true for those who struggle with perfectionist tendencies. So, what exactly is perfectionism and how can you work with it to find the right balance between healthy ambitions, self-care, and quality relationships?

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism can be defined broadly as a personality style, relational style, or a way of making sense of the world, depending on the person. Generally, perfectionism correlates to having extremely high standards, striving for excellence, low tolerance for mistakes, and critical thinking that often results in unrealistic expectations for themselves and others. While perfectionists tend to believe that these high standards improve their functioning and goal setting, perfectionistic tendencies tend to cause worry, rumination, procrastination, strained relationships, and frequent feelings of distress and inadequacy. Despite the difficulties associated with perfectionistic tendencies, research shows that it has been steadily increasing over the past 30 years. So, what factors contribute to perfectionism?

Perfectionism Development

Fundamentally, perfectionism serves a purpose of trying to create the conditions of safety and protect against experiences of abandonment, rejection, criticism, vulnerability, interpersonal conflict and tension, and/or a lack of control in one’s life. Adults who identify as perfectionists suggest that they experienced some of these difficulties earlier in their life, such as abandonment from parents, peer rejection, academic or athletic criticism, and the influence of societal messages. These pernicious experiences lead to feelings of low self-esteem and a strong desire to belong, which prompts the defense mechanism of perfectionism in its various presentations, despite it often leading to feelings and experiences of more isolation, exhaustion, and insecurity.

Presentation Styles of Perfectionism

Perfectionism can look different for each person who experiences these tendencies, making it idiosyncratic and unique in how perfectionism presents itself. However, there are 3 well-defined styles of perfectionism – self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially prescribed in which some folks may relate to one style more than another, along with commonalities in hiding imperfections from others and highly critical automatic thinking.

Self-oriented perfectionism: This style tends to strive for personal excellence and typically never experience themselves as good enough no matter how much they accomplish.

Other-oriented perfectionism: This style focuses on other people being perfect in the perfectionist’s life, such as a spouse, parent, children, friends, or politicians. This style of perfectionist typically has difficulty in separating oneself from others, may struggle with boundaries, and experiences vicarious success and failures through others.

Socially prescribed perfectionism: This style tends to explicitly desire acceptance and belonging and tries to live up to the perfectionistic standards of their families, work, and societal expectations.

These styles and traits run along a spectrum with individuals who tend towards perfectionism, yet the outcomes of these strategies tend to be unilaterally unhealthy and unhelpful in terms of psychological symptoms, physical health problems, and relationship problems.

How to Work with Perfectionist Tendencies

First, it can be very helpful to recognize where these patterns are coming from, where in your life they seem to be most present, and what the benefits versus costs are in using these strategies. Questions that you can ask yourself to begin to notice perfectionistic patterns include: Do I hold similar high standards at work and at home? Are there some people I notice perfectionism coming out with more than others? Is there any area where I take a more laid‐back approach?

Recognizing these patterns' purpose in how it has been an attempt to protect and serve you lays the foundation for softening the inner critic and allowing for increased self-compassion, understanding, and increased flexibility in approaching these areas of your life in new ways. Additionally, recognizing that you only have so many resources and time in a day can help in prioritizing what you want to put 100% into and what you can tolerate being “good enough”. Questions you can ask yourself to help navigate prioritizing energy includes: Is this situation worth an argument? What might my best friend tell me to do in this situation? How much will it matter in five days? Do I think I will even remember this situation in five years? 

This principle of good enough can be extremely helpful in establishing realistic priorities and tolerating the anxiety that comes with choosing to conserve areas that feel less important, ultimately strengthening the capacity for flexibility, rest, and acceptance. Lastly, reframing experiences that feel like failure or “not good enough” can be a powerful antidote to perfectionistic thinking, such as recognizing and valuing lessons from challenging situations or focusing on the wins or even partial accomplishments.

In recognizing perfectionism types, how it develops, and how you can work with these tendencies when they show up, you can use this knowledge to check-in with your priorities and make choices that align most closely to your values, helping you to not only make realistic goals this new year, but to live a more healthy, happy, and meaningful 2024.

References

Hewitt, P. L. (2020). Perfecting, belonging, and repairing: A dynamic-relational approach to perfectionism. Canadian Psychology / Psychologie canadienne, 61(2), 101–110. https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000209

Hewitt, P. L., Mikail, S. F., Flett, G. L., Tasca, G. A., Flynn, C. A., Deng, X., Kaldas, J., & Chen, C. (2015). Psychodynamic/interpersonal group psychotherapy for perfectionism: Evaluating the effectiveness of a short-term treatment. Psychotherapy, 52(2), 205–217. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000016

Overholser, J., & Dimaggio, G. (2020). Struggling with perfectionism: When good enough is not good enough. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(11), 2019–2027. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.23047

Blog Written By Jourdan Tymkow

Jourdan Tymkow is a Master of Counselling Clinical Intern on our team.

Grief has been a close companion throughout much of my life – losses through human and animal deaths, relational partings, significant identity and worldview shifts, and heartache prompted by legacies of colonialism and climate change lived heavily within me for many years. These sticky feelings and perspectives diminished my sense of vitality, belonging, and openness, which were compounded by traumatic experiences that made me want to protect myself from the world at all costs. It wasn’t until I started my own therapeutic journey that I began to metabolize my grief and trauma safely and be able to live my life with a sense of expansion, peacefulness, play, and open-heartedness. This has led me to my passion and purpose - holding space for others in their shifting of grief and trauma. - Jourdan

To learn more about Jourdan or to book a session with them, click here.