This is the final part to a three-part series on masking and unmasking in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (also called ADHD and referred to as a Neurodivergency).

Masking is when a Neurodivergent individual consciously or unconsciously hides their true self

from the world to avoid judgement, accommodate others, and to fit into a neurotypical world.

The process of unmasking. Unmasking, on the other hand, involves understanding, accepting,

and appreciating ADHD symptoms as a natural part of self, and no longer hiding them from the

world. Unmasking is a difficult, yet beautiful process.

What Does Unmasking Feel Like?

Challenging. Unmasking feels difficult, as it involves peeling away the layers of social

conditioning, emotional defenses, and false beliefs that have accumulated over time and

prevented a person from fully expressing their authentic self. It is also challenging because it also

requires a deep level of self-reflection, introspection, and self-awareness. It is difficult work!

Uncomfortable/Painful. It can feel uncomfortable to confront one’s fears, vulnerabilities, and

insecurities, as unmasking requires one to do. It also involves being honest with oneself and

others about one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and experiences.

Scary. Unmasking can be scary as it requires us to confront our fears of rejection, judgment, and

criticism. It can be painful to experience these when we are unmasked.

Vulnerable. As we unmask ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable by revealing aspects

of ourselves that we may not have ever shown. Unmasking requires a willingness to be

vulnerable, to let go of our emotional defenses, and to allow ourselves to be seen and heard as we

truly are.

Grief. As we unmask, we may experience grief when we acknowledge the time and experiences

spent not being able to be who we are.

Empowering. In order to unmask ourselves, we need to have a strong sense of self-awareness and

an understanding of our own boundaries. This means knowing what is important to us, what we

are willing to tolerate, and what we are not willing to tolerate. Setting boundaries is important in

any relationship, as it allows us to protect ourselves from harm and maintain our sense of self-

worth. When we unmask ourselves, we are vulnerable and exposed, and having clear boundaries

can help us feel safe and protected. Sometimes, the boundaries including putting on a temporary

persona or protective part in order to protect ourselves from harm. This can feel very

empowering.

Transformative. Unmasking can be a transformative process that leads to greater self-acceptance,

self-love, and personal growth. It can help individuals connect more deeply with themselves and

others, and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Connecting. In general, being vulnerable is a powerful tool for personal growth and connection

with others. When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we create space for deeper connections

and intimacy with others, as we are able to share our true selves and connect on a deeper level.

When I began the process of unmasking, it was unsettling. I felt as though I was both

uncomfortably exposed and oddly comfortable at the same time. It was also confusing, as some

parts of me wanted to mask, yet it seemed that I was no longer able to hide myself away in the

same ways I used to.

How Can I Unmask?

Unmasking is a process of unfolding oneself. To use the metaphor of the mask, it’s peeling off

the mask slowly, bit by bit, at a pace that works for you. It is not a linear process, but in some

ways, there are steps that we may go through. There are several ways to begin the unmasking

journey, including seeking out a diagnosis from a healthcare professional, educating oneself on

ADHD and its symptoms, and connecting with others who have similar experiences.

Then, the next step in the unmasking process is building self-awareness. This involves learning

more about what parts are the mask and what the mask is covering up underneath. One way to do

this is to explore what you are like when you are alone. This is likely your unmasked self. You

may also consider exploring what behaviors you engage in to please other people. This might be

your masked self.

Therapy can be particularly helpful for building self-awareness and insight. One way of doing so

is through “parts work”, where we start to identify all of the different parts within us, including

the masked, hidden, and suppressed parts of us. These parts can include emotions, beliefs, and

memories that we may have pushed away or denied in order to cope with difficult experiences.

By unmasking these parts, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and our emotions

and learn to integrate and heal them.

Another step involves understanding what the mask does for us. This might include exploring

what the mask protects us from, and often it is protecting us from feeling judged or rejected by

others. An important part of this process is understanding who we are at our core, in order to

separate our masked parts from our true self. This may involve exploring aspects of ourselves

like our traits, ways of being, ways of understanding and seeking knowledge, and understanding

our personal values. A peculiar thing starts to happen along the way. Once the mask is

understood and starts to peel away, it no longer fits the same way. It can’t go back on, despite us

wanting it to at times.

Finally, unmasking involves building self-acceptance and self-love. Once we know who we are

behind the mask, it is important to find true acceptance and love for ourselves, neurodivergent

traits and all. Part of self-love might include setting boundaries in relationships in which we

cannot be our true selves. Another part of acceptance and self-love may include aligning our

personal values with how we live. Further, another part of self-love is finding true self-

compassion and acceptance of all of our parts, and even finding some of our traits as gifts.

Certainly, there is suffering and dysfunction in some traits, but perhaps there is beauty in others.

I remember finding my intense emotions problematic and always leading to suffering. I didn’t

want to feel intensely anymore. I remember one particular moment of emotion, during which I

reflected upon what else the emotion might be doing for me. It was at that moment that I realized

emotions are my superpower. They allow me to deeply understand and connect to others, and

they are strong indicators of things in my life. Like a lighthouse, my emotions light the way for

me to go forward, allow me to avoid certain harmful things, and help me ride the waves of life

with a little more buoyancy. Instead of floating in the dark, the emotions allow me to see myself

more clearly. In this light, I can’t and won’t hide away.

Ultimately, the goal of unmasking is not to eliminate symptoms of ADHD entirely, but rather to

embrace them as a part of oneself and learn to work with them in a way that enhances one’s

overall well-being. By unmasking, neurodivergent individuals can move beyond the pressure to

conform and instead embrace their unique perspectives and talents. Most importantly, unmasking

allows for a beautiful and deep attachment to oneself.

Helpful Resources:

Books:

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems

Model – by Richard Schwartz.

Scattered Minds – by Gabor Mate

Divergent Mind – by Jenera Nerenberg

Women with ADHD – The Hidden Flower – by Karen Hopkins and L. William Ross-Child

Online Resources:

Self-Compassion: www.self-compassion.org

ADHD as Females Podcast: https://www.adhdasfemales.com/podcast

Additudemag.com

Blog Written by Erin Newman

Erin Newman is a Registered Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, EMDR Clinician, and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner on our clinical team.

Erin works from a holistic and trauma informed approach that looks through the lens of attachment theory, which examines how our childhood relationships shape our emotional world. Within this framework, she infuses many different strategies to support a variety of concerns, including relationship breakdown and loss, trauma, anxiety, depression, fertility, parenting struggles, and more. Erin’s way of viewing wellness and healing tends to be spiritual, artful, and somatic. Her aim is for you to feel seen and heard throughout the therapy process and to work toward the feeling of genuine connection and fulfillment.

To learn more about Erin or to book a session with her, click here.