As we shift from the season of celebration, and into the sometimes difficult and cold weeks of January, many find themselves looking for ways to find growth and change. Then, in February we will shift into the so-called month of love. Valentine’s Day falls on the 14th, where intimate love between people is acknowledged and celebrated. This day, and the weeks leading up to it can also trigger grief and loss. Psychology tells us a lot about love, attachment, and what happens when we feel the devastating loneliness that can come from loss.  

What is love?

Love is a human experience that is very difficult to describe. Some refer to it as an emotion or feeling, however, science tells us that it involves more. Not only does love light up our amygdala, the emotional centre in the brain, but it also triggers our reward pathway, and can feel highly pleasurable and even addictive. More importantly, however, love is a conscious practice – a disciplined choice to behave in a specific way that involves learning, growth, commitment, and sacrifice. 

The way we form, experience, and love in relationships stem from our attachment systems – these are the ways in which we can (or cannot) get close to others.  Our attachment systems are often created in childhood. Attachment theory, which is often attributed to the work of John Bowlby, tells us how our early relationship with a primary caregiver, most commonly a parent, creates our expectation for how love should be. How we view and love ourselves is molded by how available our caregivers were to meet our emotional needs in childhood. As we grow older, our attachment system will become triggered in our adult relationships.

According to attachment theory, there are four main attachment styles. The first describes a healthy attachment, the next are insecure attachments, developing when a parent/caregiver is unresponsive or unreliable. I’ll preface this by saying that most, if not all, parents do the best they can with what they have to meet the needs of their children.

You have a secure attachment style if a caregiver was responsive and available to you as a child, making you feel safe and secure. Creating a secure attachment is important for healthy intimate relationships. In a secure relationship, your partner repeatedly communicates to you that he or she is there for you, understands you, and loves you.  

“I haven’t heard from her in a few hours. She said she would text me after she saw her friends. I’m aware of my mind racing now. Where is she? I text her phone. No immediate answer. I call her. It goes to voicemail. I am really worried now. What if she has found someone else? I text her again. And again. I can’t sleep until I hear from her.”

If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you are often driven by an underlying belief that your partner may leave you. This usually develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing you about what to expect. As an adult, this may manifest as difficulty in trusting your partner, and behaviors that may look like clinginess, and can develop into underlying questions about your ability to be loved.

“I like him a lot. But I find myself feeling overwhelmed and stifled when he tells me he loves me. We sat on the couch together last night and I had to get up and move because he was in my space. He wants to move in together but I don’t think that can ever happen or I might be miserable”.

An avoidant attachment pattern can develop when a caregiver is unresponsive or neglectful. These children may learn to meet their emotional needs completely on their own. As adults, they may look independent, and in a relationship, may have difficulties committing and may pull away when a relationship feels too close.

Lastly, a disorganized attachment pattern develops from chaos or trauma. Typically, this attachment pattern requires significant healing and can lead to choosing chaotic relationships as an adult.

As more research is done on attachment styles, we know there are more complexities to this concept. One example of this is that we can be both avoidant and anxious in our attachment styles, depending on the partner we are with. Additionally, our attachment patterns can shift due to our experiences in relationships later in life. An interesting fact is that anxious and avoidant attached people tend to attract one another, as each reinforces the other’s unconscious beliefs about love and lovability.

The Impact of Loss

What happens when we have lost love, and find ourselves alone because of death, divorce, breakup, or lack of a suitable partner? Further, how do we navigate in a world that tells us we need other people around us in order to feel valuable, and how do we manage neurobiology that screams at us that being alone is dangerous? The messages we get from society tell us that relationships, especially the intimate ones, are a large key to our lifelong happiness.  On top of that, brain research demonstrates that loneliness can trigger the brain’s fight/flight/freeze response, the nervous system’s way of telling us we are in a potentially dangerous situation and need to be on alert in order to stay alive – even if the situation is not life threatening.

All of us have likely felt lonely at some point. It’s part of the human experience, no matter your attachment style. Ironically, we can be surrounded by others, and still feel alone.  Loneliness is fickle – one moment masquerading as depression, the next moment rushing in on a cloud of anxiety. It is a feeling that sinks into your whole being, down to your bones. It’s hollow, yet fills you completely with a vast emptiness. It may come in waves or be always present.  We need relationships – yet they can be our very source of pain, especially when we have lost love.  The way we attach to others can add to what is perhaps the greatest irony in creation – which is the fact that what takes away loneliness can at any point also bring it on.  Human connection can be perceived as fleeting, unreliable, untrustworthy. And if that’s been your experience- then it would be very hard to let someone in. However, secure love can be stable, loyal, and trustworthy, with conscious effort and hard work.

How to Heal

At this point, you may have related to some of the attachment styles above. And you may be wondering if your attachment style can change. The answer is yes, but it takes hard work. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in bringing awareness and insight into your attachment pattern, and then making conscious choices to bring change into your patterns.

Meeting with a heart-centred therapist can help you develop awareness of your attachment style, learn about what it is to be loved, and make decisions that move toward living in a secure attachment. The Grief Recovery Method is a specific program that can help you move toward completing the feeling of loss that can come when a relationship has broken down or when love has been lost. Couples therapy may help with identifying and interrupting patterns of emotions and behaviors that are impacting a relationship's functioning and can help a couple move toward a secure attachment.

Finally, you can also find change in choosing partners that have a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing being with someone who continually reminds you of your worth and loveability, and who stays to explore and work through attempts to pull away, you can heal attachment styles. The following resources may be helpful in building awareness and tools for change:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine

What Makes Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by Dr. John Gottman

Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate by Stan Tatkin, PsyD

Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships by Stan Tatkin, PsyD

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

If you are seeking individual or couples support, our healing team at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre is available to support you. Visit us at www.healmyheart.ca for more information or reach out to us at info@healmyheart.ca or call 780-288-8011.

About Erin Newman

Erin Newman is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Couple's Therapist, Grief Recovery SpecialistⓇ and EMDR clinician. She has spent the last 6 years helping children, adults, and couples move toward healing and growth. She is particularly passionate about helping children, parents, and couples shift within their attachment systems, in order to find healing through love and connection.

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