As we venture into this New Year, reflecting on the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I wanted to share a lesson I have learned along the way that could bless and bring value to you. 

In 2017, something happened that changed my life forever. My kids were born. I had twin boys that were born 10 weeks premature due to a condition that stopped one of them from growing. After spending most of my pregnancy under close observation, first out of hospital, and then in the hospital, the doctors decided that it was finally safer to deliver than continue the pregnancy. This experience set the stage for a learning lesson that has remained deeply meaningful to me. It challenged some of my deep held beliefs about finding the up side of situations, of counting my blessings, and of appreciating the perspective that things can always be worse. The lesson: gratitude is not a substitute for grief. 

Even as I sit with these words now, I wonder how many of us do this. We all stumble through hard and painful experiences, enduring things that break and wound precious parts of us, straining our relationships and sense of stability and wellness. However, instead of trusting that we can feel the pain and the emotions, we want to bypass pain and run straight for relief. And gratitude can bring relief. Gratitude can shape our hearts and minds to see the treasure in the chaos, the joy in the sadness. It can remind us of hope when all we have is empty hands. I cannot speak ill of gratitude; it has formed a foundational anchor for how I live and love. Nevertheless, what I have learned is that gratitude, as powerful a tool as it is, cannot be a substitute for grief. 

The birth of my babies was not the experience that led me to and through the Grief Recovery Method, but the Grief Recovery Method has helped shape my understanding and given me language to some of these tensions I feel. For example, when we are grieving a loss or a change, we often search for relief in Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERB) because we are at a loss of how to handle and navigate the confusing and overwhelming mixture of feelings we encounter. Gratitude can be a STERB when used to distract and redirect us away from the work of grief. The Grief Recovery Method has also helped me understand how I use thoughts to justify avoiding the pain the grief brings. As I was lost in a sea of emotions while my babies were on life support in the NICU, it was tempting to push away the sting of powerlessness and fear by reminding myself that they were alive, and things could always be worse. The trouble with that thought process though, is that despite the truth in that statement (things surely could have been worse in many ways), the emotional truth was that I was crushed, scared, and exhausted in every way possible. I had lost the chance to have to normal healthy pregnancy and birth. I had lost the chance to hold my babies when they were first born. I lost the opportunity to trust my emerging maternal instincts because premature babies cannot tolerate the nurturing stimuli of rocking, hugging, talking, and singing that would strengthen the bonds between mom and child. I knew that things could be so much worse, but I also needed to be able to acknowledge that my heart was broken and tell the truth about how angry and sad I was about that. 

Then a beautiful thing happened as I allowed myself time and space to feel and name the painful parts of my experience. I found myself having more space for joy, greater capacity for connection with my babies and husband, and a deeper ability to hold opposite emotions at the same time (pain and joy, fear and peace). This is where gratitude anchored me and allowed me to breathe easier and give thanks for what was, and what was not. 

As you walk through challenges, trials, and losses, as we all inevitably do, I want to leave you with some encouragement. Allow gratitude to be an anchor and a compass in the storm, but do not let it become a substitute for grief. It was not meant for this purpose. Instead, allow yourself to acknowledge the truth of your pain and loss. Trust that your heart can endure such hard things and that naming them will bring more relief than moving away and avoiding the pain. This will create more space for expressing gratitude for what becomes and what remains after these storms, and will help you find your way again.  

Blog Written by Alana Mantai

Alana is a Registered Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR Clinician at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre.

Alana has a Bachelor of Arts with a specialization in Clinical Psychology, and a Master of Counselling degree. She has extensive training in the areas of trauma, including EMDR, focused interventions in Sand Tray for grief and trauma, attachment-based play therapy, and foundations of play therapy.

She cares deeply about walking with people in their grief and believe that the work of healing is a sacred journey.

Alana’s hope is that she can help people feel more connected to themselves, others, and their experiences.

Click here to work with Alana.