Some of the most painful and impactful moments of our lives occur as the result of a loss. These experiences can shape how we view ourselves, others, and the world around us. As a caregiver, it can be even more excruciating to watch our child go through these experiences.

This leaves caregivers (who so often are also impacted by the same loss) with a multitude of questions on what to do, how to act, and when to reach out for help. It is my hope that through this blog post that I can provide you with some answers. 

So what is grief? Most people may say it’s the experience of sadness when someone dies. Or maybe we describe it as an act that one does (grieving) to process through the experience. One of my favorite definitions comes from The Grief Recovery Method:

Grief is the normal and natural conflicting feelings caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. 

There are two parts to this definition I’d like to explore:

1. It is normal. It is natural. There is no “right way” to handle loss whether it’s through a death, divorce/relationship end, or life transition. We are supposed to feel upset when something changes or ends. 

2. Grief can result from a number of losses. Any change. Any end. This may include within relationships between humans or pets. Or maybe through transitions in schooling, homes, or daycare. We often “categorize” only certain types of losses as “true losses” when really there are over 40 types of losses one can experience. These often go unnoticed, especially in children. 

Now what do we do? I am sure you are wanting concrete strategies. Here they are:

1. Become aware of the symptoms of grief in children-it helps you know what to expect

• These look different compared to adults 

• Some common symptoms are: 

• eating and/or sleep disturbances 

• physical sensations such as stomachaches, headaches, muscle pain, and/or tightness or pain in chest

• withdrawn or isolated behavior 

• increased tantrums or difficulty managing emotions

• increased “daydreaming” or report of feeling numb 

• risky behaviors such as substance use or self-harm

• avoidance of grief reminders 

• decreased engagement or enjoyment in pleasurable activities

• concentration issues

• decreased school performance  

• separation anxiety or concerns about other’s well being 

• acting “younger” than their age (also called “regression”)

• increased interest in death or dying

• other symptoms depending on your child’s age, temperament, and other unique factors 

2. Be mindful of your own beliefs about grief-it allows you to challenge and change societal and generational expectations on grieving children

• We often learn how to deal with grief from our own caregivers 

• We may expect certain reactions like crying or sadness and be surprised when our child acts in another way 

• Some common myths related to grief are:

  • Grief alone-you should not “bother” others who are grieving 

  • Keep busy-distract yourself to deal with the pain

  • Time heals-in a year you will “feel better”

  • Replace the loss-just find another friend, they were bad anyways!

  • Don’t feel bad-don’t be upset, now they aren’t in pain anymore

  • Be strong-you have to be strong for your child or caregiver

3. Maintain consistency (as much as possible)-it makes them feel safe and secure 

• Keep routines (waking, eating, bedtime etc)

• Reach out for support from family and friends to help with routines (meals, transportation etc)

• But…be flexible on expectations (chores, ability to calm themselves, school etc) and be willing to reduce or minimize these expectations (this might mean discussing with teachers, family members, and friends what your child is capable of doing at this time)

4. Help them understand-its calming

• Explain what “death” is (look below for some great book suggestions!)

• Discuss what to expect at funerals or other family traditions related to the loss 

• Validate and create understanding about emotions:

  1. Be aware of their emotional experience

  2. Understand this is a great time to connect 

  3. Label (“you look ____”)

  4. Validate (“it makes you really mad that grandpa died”)

  5. Problem solve or sit in it (“would you like a hug?”; “can we play a game to help make you feel better?”) or be with them in their emotional experience (this is something called coregulation-which is using a relationship with a calm, regulated individual to calm another)

5. Allow expression-it helps to process

• Allow expression through play, crafts, or story telling

• Be open to talking about the loss (this may require additional support for you to do so)

• Allow appropriate expression of all emotions (not just the ones you are comfortable with!)

6. Know your power-yes you!

• Relationships are the most important factor in supporting resiliency and recovery

• I’d love to say that I hold special powers/abilities/techniques as a therapist, but nothing comes close to the healing power of the attachment relationship children form with their caregivers 

• As a caregiver (whether you are caring for the child on a daily, weekly, monthly, or once in a blue moon basis) you hold tremendous calming and soothing power for your child 

• Maybe you are the secure base for your child providing food, shelter, and warm hug to soothe them or the fun uncle or aunt who provides laughter at family dinners

• You matter and you already have the ability to support this child just by being near them 

7. Reach out-to all your supports. Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, etc etc etc and therapists. Loss is not easy on anyone (your child or you). 

I hope this blog provided you with some answers on how to support your child through loss and I encourage you to reach out to any of the therapists at The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre for further support.

With love,

Justine Elliot, M.A. 

Registered Provisional Psychologist

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist 

EMDR Clinician 

About Justine Elliot

Justine is a Registered Provisional Psychologist, Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, and EMDR Clinician. As a human, she has experienced a number of losses throughout her life (both human and animal) and has learned grief and trauma are healed through supportive relationships. At The Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, she works with individuals of all ages but is particularly passionate about supporting children, youth, and parents impacted by loss and trauma. Justine values authenticity and enjoys bringing humor, generosity, and evidence-based practices to her clients. 

To learn more about Justine and the specialized work she does at our centre click here.

Resources:

When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses by John James and Russell Friedman 

The Invisible String by Patrice Karst 

Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

The Grief Recovery Institute: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/

Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/article/helping-children-deal-grief/ and https://childmind.org/guide/helping-children-cope-grief/ 

Kids Grief.ca: https://kidsgrief.ca 

Guide on supporting children through death related losses: https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/Children-and-Disasters/Documents/After-a-Loved-One-Dies-English.pdf 

Photo Credit: https://pixabay.com/photos/girl-father-portrait-eyes-people-1641215/